I'm currently Aston Villa's most prolific forward and am ahead of Young, Keane and Bent in the starting 11.

I am retired from International football despite being told by Wayne Rooney that I am his favourite strike partner - only because I won't shout at him when he shoots. I have played for England 62 times and have scored 7 goals, I would like to see Andy Carroll better that record. I'm very pleased with how my career panned out and it won't be long before Fabio wants me back in his squad.

I can operate best as a striker but sometimes I like to play as a winger bombing down the right hand side (As I did against Algeria), I have been thought of as a pacy, powerful winger. I'm quite surprised someone like Barcelona or Real Madrid haven't tried to sign me, I'd work well with Pedro, Messi just wouldn't get past me. And that bastard Pepe, I'd just let him run into me and then we'll see him dive. Gareth Bale is in my shadow.

I am sometimes classed as a complete donkey, but I'd love to see Lionel Messi disguise a shot and hit the corner flag.

Joleon Lescott tried to steal my style of play when he elbowed Younes Kaboul, only I am able to disguise such things. I'm always open to teach him but I will demand either his wife or his forehead.

When on duty with England I always notice Ashley Cole trying to copy me and bomb down the left-hand side, I immediately kick the ball out of play once I spot him.

I've described myself as both FIFA king and Football Manager king, mainly because I am the best player in the game, all rated 20 on FM and 99 on FIFA - no one know's how to really use the editor properly. If anyone wants to add me on FIFA my PSN is Big_Ivanhoe_Hesk

Location

Falling over after attempting a step-over against Algeria

Disciplines

• Anthropology